Of Happiness

What does it take for you to be happy? What does it take for ME to be happy?
Doing my job right? Having good company? Falling asleep in the arms of the person i love? Being loved?

People say you determine your own happiness. Always been something I've believed in. And yet of late... its getting harder and harder to be 'happy'. Constantly anxious, unsettled and feeling lonely-surely that's not how happiness must feel like?

Nothing much has changed in my life and yet there are a lot of new pieces. So whats the problem? The lack of change or the changes ?

At the risk of sounding like someone who's clinically depressed, i'm gonna go ahead and say that it feels like everything isn't right and there's just a really long, tiring, dark dark tunnel ahead. Same thing day in and day out-same job, same fears, same arguments, same insecurities, same lack of feeling passionate or driven. Wish someone could stop me and tell me whats wrong here or better yet hand me the spanner to tighten the loose nut.

All i want is a week of peaceful palpitation free sleep and serenity. Maybe i need a new hobby? Or to rekindle an old one...

Of Marriage

Marriage for one. That's a phrase that always crosses my mind thinking of my own marriage. 7 months ago (almost), i got married. To the love of my life? Hardly. To someone i love? Maybe.

I wonder what it takes to create happiness in a marriage. Constantly talking? Constantly making out? Doing everything for the other person? Never being mad and keeping the unhappy stuff to yourself? Painting a happy picture for the rest of the world to see? Someone in my life not too many years ago told me it all boils down to "mind, body and soul"-a connection at every level.

Somehow i feel we're not quite there yet...

We're smart and independent (partially anyway) as individuals and yet we can't stay in the same room for long or sustain  a meaningful conversation for more than say 5 minutes. The biggest pitfall i feel is that we don't fit into each others life-by default and by choice. Also, we're probably too alike than different. Stubborn, refuse to talk, don't want to be the one to initiate the kiss/conversation.

I think i know the problem. Communication. My biggest flaw. And now whether my marriage survives or not depends on whether i talk /cease to be silent. And this marriage means all the world to me.

So time to break the silence?

Of Kids

Turning 30 next month. Married ?6 months. That's just asking to be asked the infamous " when are you going to start a family" question.

Kids are a big part of my life, especially so these past 3 years. The biggest reason for moving back to this part of the country was a little kid-who hadn't even been born then. This little kid still remains the highlight of my days. One smile from him can make all pain go away. Leaving him and the thought of him waking up and asking why i left without saying goodbye still makes me cry. There's just something about kids that make them like warm cocoa-making you feel warm and fuzzy on the coldest most bitter of days.

Treating a kid, raising a kid, playing with a kid, watching a kid die, watching a kid fight and survive are all different experiences-each unique in its own way. People often ask how i can watch kids be sick each day and tell stories of them without batting an eyelash. Heartless some may feel?

I'd like to think i never stopped feeling for every kid i see/saw. Just having my own "pretend kid" makes it hard for me to just look at these sick kids. The thought of having my own beautiful angel and having to leave him/her for other kids each and every day is  a scary one. Then of course there are the usual- am i good enough to be a mum? are we good enough to be parents? do we have enough money? are we happy enough to bring a new life into this world? is the world safe enough for a baby?

I'll always love kids. But have a kid? Who knows?